Published June 13th, 2009
Who needs the sun when one can have 5 straight days of rain? Why would anyone want to sit by the pool, wiping sweat from her brow while she reads a book and drinks an ice cold beer when she could spend the day inside, cleaning cat hair off the furniture and updating her status on Facebook every 3 minutes?
Who doesn’t love the idea of finally cleaning out the basement, something a person doesn’t even consider when the sun is out?
Who wouldn’t relish the opportunity to go into a dark, damp windowless room to go through boxes that haven’t been opened in years while bugs the size of your head swing from webs the approximate width of window drapes? WHO?
Okay, I feel better now.
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Published June 6th, 2009
Conversations with a friend during a recent shopping excursion:
“What do you think this is?”
“It’s either a vest or some kind of shawl.”
Holding it up to the light and studying it – “What do you wear under it?”
“I guess you could wear a tank top or a tee shirt – well, except it’s kind of short…hmm, maybe it’s some kind of bathing suit cover up.”
“Then wouldn’t it be in the bathing suit section?”
Holding up a hanger draped with voluminous fabric: “Do you love this or hate it?”
“What is it?”
“It’s a top.”
“What are those things on the bottom?”
Squinting and frowning: “Oh, I didn’t see those. Are they, like, tassels?”
“I think Bo Derek wore tassels.”
Holding up a pair of jeans: “Do you think these would fit me?”
“Only if you were just starting second grade.”
Holding up a long, filmy, thin sweater: “Do you think I could wear this over jeans?”
“I think it’s too long for jeans. You would have to wear leggings.”
“Long leggings or short ones?”
“Long. Or calf-length. Well, I don’t know.”
“Would you wear heels or sandals or flats?”
“I would wear sandals. Or flats. Or maybe heels.”
“You’re not helping.”
“I just found the cutest top and I think you could actually wear it with anything.”
“That is so cute! How much is it.”
Holding up the $325 price tag. “Oh. Never mind.”
“Do you think it’s funny that the men’s section only has shorts and tee shirts and the women’s section takes up 3 entire floors and would take at least 72 hours to traverse?”
“No, I don’t think that’s funny at all.”
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Published April 30th, 2009
Having recently switching from a PC to a Mac (possibly because of those commercials with the cute Mac guy and the not-very-cute PC guy), I’ve decided I love my Mac. I love it so much, I wish I could take it out for a drink or, perhaps, a moderately expensive dinner.
My question is – why do all of the windows applications for Mac suck so very much? Entourage? Sucks. Not only does it suck, it is occasionally evil. For example, yesterday it deleted ALL OF MY EMAILS. I didn’t ask it to do this, nor did I relish spending an hour going through my recycle bin to try to recreate my in box. Yet, that’s what it did and it isn’t the first time it’s done that. And don’t get me started on the rules and how hard it is to create them and figure out how they work, and forget how it takes forwarded emails with HTML in them and turns them into complete garbage and, basically, how it makes me want to cry on a regular basis.
And where is Expressions for Mac? And Quicken Home & Business? And a new version of Adobe Elements? Oh, but I can totally go into iPhoto and tell it to start recognizing faces and tell me where my pictures were taken based on GPS data and even see where that location is on google maps. That’s way cool – but how about putting some of that energy towards applications that don’t suck?
It’s kind of like dating a guy who’s cute and stupid and then dating a guy who’s average-looking, but very smart. Combining the two would make the perfect man. Luckily, my husband’s perfect (there…that should win me some points).
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Published April 5th, 2009
How many dishes can I cram into the dishwasher at one time so that I don’t have to handwash anything? Answer: Everything, if one tries hard enough.
How many times can I turn on the dryer before I actually have to fold the clothes? Answer: 3 – on a particularly lazy day, 4.
How many times can I step over the same pair of shoes before I put them away? Answer: Lost count.
How long can I leave the trash next to the back door? Answer: Until Sunday when we have to take the trashcan to the curb.
How long before the houseplants die from severe dehydration? Answer: Still working on that.
How many pairs of sunglasses can one person buy in the search for a pair that doesn’t make her look like a giant bug? Answer: 5 and counting.
How long does it take to disorganize an organized junk drawer? Answer: 5-7 minutes.
What happened to all those pens I know I have, but can’t find anywhere? Answer: Thanks to Milo, they have been safely removed and stored under various appliances and pieces of furniture, would one care to look – under the stove should be the first search area.
How long will the cats play with this $6 toy I bought them? Answer: 20-30 seconds.
How many ways can one use one’s computer to avoid household chores? Answer: 403 and counting.
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Published March 22nd, 2009
Sitting on the porch, listening to three young girls, approximately 7-9 years old, playing outside:
Little Girl 1: “Okay. I’m the president and you are the security. We’re at the White House and you have to walk around and make sure there are no bad guys here.”
Little Girl 2: “But I want to be the president!”
LG 1: “There can only be one president. Here, that’s your gun. You have to shoot the bad guys. After you walk around, if you don’t see anybody, you say, ‘Clear!’”
LG3: “Do I get a gun?”
LG1: “Just use your finger. I only have one.”
LG2: (voice fading) “Checking quadrant 1…CLEAR!”
LG3: “What’s a quadrant?”
LG1: “I have to go into the oval office and I need you to check it, Agent.”
LG2: “CLEAR!”
LG3: “CLEAR!”
LG2: “Wait, I see someone!” (click-click of a toy gun shooting)
LG1: “You do NOT shoot the president!”
LG2: “I thought it was a bad guy.”
LG1: (sighing loudly) “Can we get more security in here?”
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Published March 4th, 2009
1. Drop a large bottle of olive oil on the garage floor in the middle of a snowstorm. You should also not decide to clean it up later and then walk mindlessly through the garage on the way to your car. You will slip and fall and your neighbor, who is walking by with his dogs, will see you and rush to help and then he will slip and fall and you will never be able to look each other in the eye ever again.
2. Scrape flaking paint off your old windows so you can re-paint them. What looks like a small, simple project will really end up taking up an entire, frustrating day and you will end up scrubbing paint off your cat’s face.
3. Give your cat a bath. See above.
4. Decide to have a turkey wrap for lunch and then burritos for dinner, thus ingesting 3 multi-grain tortillas, each containing 15 grams of fiber. Each. If you do, take the next morning off.
5. Forget to put toilet paper in the bathroom. See above.
6. Spend more than 10 minutes at a time on Facebook unless you’re 14 years old and you’re trying to see how many ‘friends’ you can accumulate.
7. Start a list of things you should never do when you can only think of 7 things.
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Published January 16th, 2009
Dear Canada:
I’m tired of your cold weather. Please take it back because it doesn’t belong this far south.
Sincerely,
Paige
Dear Chicago:
I’m sorry I complained so much about your winter weather. It’s way better than the Canadian weather that has taken root here over the last few days. In fact, I miss your balmy 20-degree days. Please come back.
Sincerely,
Paige
Dear Husband:
I still blame you for making me move here. You owe me. An expensive gift would go a long way towards forgiveness.
Think about it.
Sincerely,
Paige
Dear Jack Daniels:
Thank you for existing. You almost make life worth living.
Sincerely,
Paige
Dear IRS:
I don’t think I should have to pay estimated taxes this year. I would like to assign my tax liability to any one of the idiots who caused the disaster that is our economy. There are thousands of idiots available, so please take your pick.
Sincerely,
Paige
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Published January 9th, 2009
I wonder if spammers make New Year’s resolutions? I wonder this because my spam comments, on all my websites, has increased dramatically since the first of the year. So far, they seem to be doing well on their goal to make life a little less enjoyable for all of us. Good for you, spammers and may you suffer the same fate as the asshole who stole my iPhone.
I’m doing well on my 2009 resolutions, mostly because I didn’t make any. If I have no goals, that makes it impossible for me to fail. I did almost make a goal to blog every day, but every time I do that, I blog even less than usual. Because I have no goals regarding blogging, I’ve blogged more this week than I normally do. I usually wait until I have something interesting to say, but I no longer have that goal. Being interesting is something I can only do on rare occasions – mostly when I meet people who don’t know me and find me marginally fascinating, at least for as long as it takes to finish their drink and head back to the bar.
I’m sitting here trying to think of where I’m going with this blog, but I realize I’m using it to avoid paying my bills. Which makes me realize that I have, in fact, violated my goal to have no goals since my goal is to avoid paying my bills.
Damn.
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Published January 8th, 2009
This time of year, I start my annual journey into the world of lotion. I liken it to an Aboriginal Walkabout, a rite of passage for anyone living in a cold climate: how many lotions will I try before I find one that: a) conquers flaky skin, b) doesn’t have the consistency of wallpaper paste, c) stops my skin from itching, d) doesn’t cost $9 an ounce and e) doesn’t require an hour of ’settling’ time before I can put on my clothes? So far, I haven’t found the perfect lotion, but I thought it appropriate to post my Ode to Lotion, which I wrote when I lived in Omaha. It is still relevant in Chicago.
Ode to Lotion
An ocean of lotion
Would not be enough
To soothe my skin’s dryness
Glossing over the rough
There’s nothing so wonderful
Nor so sublime
As a bottle of lotion
And a bottle of wine
O lotion, my lotion
You heavenly potion
More than balm to dry hands
Should you feel the notion
O lotion, my lotion
No lover divine
Could offer my skin
A pleasure so fine
So far, Aveeno is winning the lotion battle. Curel comes in a close second. Vaseline ranks as the worst. Updates to continue.
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Published January 6th, 2009
I hope you enjoy your free iPhone. I also hope a giant hairy mole grows on the end of your nose and that you visit a doctor to remove it and the doctor tells you that he would also have to remove your entire nose to get rid of it and then you have to walk around with a giant hairy mole on the end of your nose for the rest of your life. You’ll become so depressed that you’ll sit at home watching reruns of Dr. Phil, wishing you could go back to that day in the gym when you saw an iPhone lying on the locker room floor and NOT take it.
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